I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I do not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

DNF

Those are the letters that no person in a “race” or time event of any kind wants to see after their name. DNF – Did Not Finish… I was humbled in South Dakota this weekend. I went in there thinking that this ride was going to be tough but that I would be able to finish. I knew I wouldn’t be able to compete, but I really wanted to finish the ride. The Dakota 50 is in its 10th year of existence and is a very popular ride in the western Black Hills, in the Spearfish area. Melissa and I signed up to give it a try after we talked to a few friends of ours that do it and said that it was just a great event, tough but great. We went into the event feeling great. I normally get really nervous before events and that is why I do not do them anymore, my stupid nervous stomach makes them no fun for me. But this event was different I had a great night sleep, I got up Sunday morning at about 5:20AM, got my things ready to go and got to the event site, excited, feeling great and ready to ride. Melissa was the same, she was ready to go. She doesn’t have the same nervous issues I do so that stuff is easier for her. Anyway the race/ride started at 730am and Melissa and I started in back because our plan was just to ride the event and not race, therefore we didn’t want to be in anyone’s way, we headed out of town and made our way through the streets of Spearfish to the first climb which was a dirt road leading up to the start of the single track trail that we would be on for the next 45 miles or so. UGH, first climb to the single track was a bear and I started to question my abilities. And the sad thing was, we were only about 2 miles in. Holy Crap, 48 miles left. Was it going to be like this the whole time was it going to get any easier? I knew that we made the wrong decision to ride our single speeds for the ride instantly and should have brought our full suspension bikes, the outcome may not have been different but it might have been a bit easier. We made it into the single track and it was a tough, lots of sand and loose rock. I was a little ahead of Melissa and slowed down every once and a while to wait for her. We finally met up at mile 6, when I heard, “Crap, my pedal fell off!” I went over and looked at her bike and it wasn’t just her pedal, but she broke her non-drive side crank arm off. What now?!?! I looked at her and could tell she was bummed. This was a show stopper and something I could not fix on the trail. I brought some tools and things, but never thought in a million years I would have to fix a crank arm. We talked for a few minutes and she told me to keep going and to finish. I felt really guilty because I didn’t want to leave her alone and I had no idea how long it was going to take me to finish. But after a little back and forth I pressed on. The next 4 miles were tough for me, I felt bad about her day ending so quickly and that we weren’t going to be able to do this together.

I made it to the first rest stop at 10 miles and refilled my water and Gatorade drink, had a little rest and pressed on. The next stop was 12 miles away. The first 2 miles after the 10 mile stop gave me a little more energy, a little better trail to ride on and a little more downhill to rest my legs. I made good time for the next 2 miles. I got to mile 13 and the climbing started again. My legs were already shot. I kept thinking, why am I trying this on my single speed for the first time. Why didn’t I bring my Yeti and ride my good bike. This is a bear. I am not cut out for this kind of climbing; I am not a real biker. Thoughts like that kept going through my head over and over. My legs were cramping up at about mile 16 and I knew I was doomed. There was no way I was going to make it the whole way. I was starting to have to walk up almost all of the hills and was riding all of the flat portions and downhills, which were few and far between. I thought to myself, make it to rest stop #2 and call it a day. Go back and spend the rest of the day with your beautiful wife and enjoy that beautiful country out there. At mile 21.75 I called it a race for me and headed back. I was picked up by another rider and his support person that gave up at the same point. I was so disappointed, so bummed and so humbled. I have no ego about things like this but it sucks when you realize you can’t do something that you really want to do. I just wasn’t in good enough shape and have never ridden those kinds of climbs, they were very brutal… Now the thought about next year goes into my brain… Should I try again next year? Should I figure out a way to train for this ride and give it a go? I think Melissa is out no matter what, but would I like to give it a try again, or am I just not cut out to ride that kind of ride? I did make it 21.75 miles of the hardest terrain that I have ever ridden and I did it on a fully rigid single speed 29’er, so looking back I am pretty happy with that. Well sort of. *sigh*

Besides the race our trip was amazing. We had so much fun out there. I love the Black Hills area of SD. And I think Melissa loves it as well, I spent a lot of time out there as a kid and I have tried to show Melissa everything that I love about the hills in the two times we have been out there. This time we did a few other things that we hadn’t done the first time, the highlights were Devils Tower and Bear Butte. I have this life list of things I dream of doing before I die, some are silly things and some are cool things, well at least to me they are. I was able to cross 2 more things off my list on this little trip of ours. 1 was doing a watercolor of Devils Tower while at Devils Tower, I did that, I screwed it up but I did it none the less. I give it another try from the photos I took of the tower soon. The other thing was summiting Bear Butte. Melissa and I did that on Friday, it was amazing. Bear Butte is a “mountain” right outside of Sturgis that is considered a holy area to the Native American’s. It is big hill that rises 1,434’ above the prairie floor and is out in the middle of nowhere so it just looks cool when you drive up to it. There is a great and very challenging hike to the summit. It is short 3.5 miles round trip, but it travels up some steep and narrow slopes, across huge fields of scree and up some very sketchy terrain. The hike was amazing; there are Indian prayer bundles and prayer flags hanging everywhere, they were just beautiful and so cool to see, it is what I picture the Buddhist prayer flags looking like in the Himalayas. We made it to the top and really enjoyed the views. I was so happy to share my hike with Melissa and be able to say that I did another thing on my life list with her. Other than that it was a beautiful long week in the Black Hills the weather was perfect. We were able to enjoy our time together out there, reflect on our year, make a few plans for upcoming adventures and think about life in a quiet beautiful place…

Short Week

I have a nice short week of work this week. Then Melissa and I are heading out to Spearfish South Dakota for a few days of fun and the Dakota 50 mountain bike race/tour. We are looking forward to the ride. It is techincally a race but we are just going to ride it and enjoy the scenery, I love that area of South Dakota so am I looking forward to going. I think the ride will be challenging but I think it will be a great ride. The ride is Sunday the 5th and we will be out the Thursday so we have a few extra days to hang out, which will be nice. I am hoping to go out to Devils Tower in Wyoming for the day to do some hiking. I love Devils Tower it is so cool. But right now all of the extra day plans are still be worked out. I know for sure that it will be fun. So much to do before we go. The next few days will be busy.

Finally Not Last

So last night was another Thursday night race at good old Wayzata Yacht Club. The only difference was a shortened course with the move of the race into Wayzata Bay from the main lake. The wind was blowing well and the crew was ready. It was looking to be a great night. We had a great start and sailed a pretty good first leg. It is crazy when you get 100+ boats into a relatively small area, when the wind is blowing it turns out to be pretty exciting. Last night provide to be that. We rounded the turn and made our way downwind with a good spinnaker set. We sailed excellent legs for the entire race, truly making only one mistake, which sadly cost the 8th place finish in our class. It is the little victories that matter. Last night was the first time we haven’t finished last; it was a big deal to us. We truly worked as a team last night which was really fun. There are a couple people on the boat that are newer to sailing and as the summer has gone on we have been getting better and better. Last night really seemed to be a turning point. Everyone did their jobs and it was great. It is really fun when the team flows. It was fun last night. Next race is Saturday and that is going to be a fun one as well; it is a mixed club race. Wazata Yacht Club will be racing with the Minnetonka Yacht Club which could be interesting because the MYC is mostly scows, and scows are really fast. It will be fun to watch the sail. It is supposed to be windy on Saturday so it is going to be interesting.

First week of class is done and so far so good. I wrote 2 short papers already and have done a little reading. My Human A&P class starts in a few weeks. So I am looking forward to that.

We are trying to decide if we are going to go to the fair this weekend. Sunday is the only day that we can go. Melissa and I are headed out of town next weekend so Sunday will be our only option for the fair. I doubt we will go, but you never know. Melissa hates the fair and I mostly still like it so it is always a little bit of a struggle. I want to go she doesn’t really care about it. So we will see…

Back

So my class(es) have started once again. I am taking 2 classes this semester; they are cultural anthropology and human anatomy and physiology. My Anthropology class started on Monday and my Human A&P classes starts in a few weeks. I am a little bummed that the Anatomy class is shorten, but it sounds like it is a going to be a great class and extremely interesting.

As I am getting older I am really regretting not doing better in high school and finding my love for learning earlier in my life. In fact you have no idea how much I am regretting it. While I am truly enjoying "college" now it is certainly not the same as it would have been 20 years ago. Holy shit that was hard to say... 20 years is gone since high school. Ugh! Where did all of that time go? I am guessing I am not the only person that askes that question. In fact I know I am not but, seriously where does the time go. I think I am starting to think about growing old and the change of life that will bring. Sorry for the downer thoughts there, anyway: While I really enjoy my job I could have and should have done so much more with my life. I really should have been a physician. I would have made a great doc. I love science and the mysteries of the human body and what makes it tick, so I am really reeling from not doing all of this much sooner in life. I really am not trying to come off as, "woe is me" Believe me I am a happy person and mostly happy with my decisions, but I know that I could have been so much more in life and as I am getting older I am realizing it. And unfortunately that kind of makes me sad and wish for other things.

I am almost to that point of a decision to be made, do I just finish the 2 year degree which I am very close to, or do I transfer it all and go for the 4 year? I am leaning toward the 4 year. I have been excepted at Metro State which I know is a pretty lame school, but it seems to work well with my schedule and seems to cater more or less to the adult learner. They have lots of evening and weekend classes and a good many of them available on-line. I have done all of my credits thus far on-line through Lake Superior College in Duluth and it is working out well for me. I have enjoyed all of my classes and I like the fact that LSC is a MNSCU (Minnesota state colleges and universities) school so all of my credits will transfer to any other MNSCU school and I will not lose any, and that is a good thing. I just don’t have a lot of patience to make up credits that do not transfer.

Right now my thoughts are to transfer to Metro State and try for a biology major. I really like biology and I was looking at the curriculum for the biology major at Metro and it looks like a pretty decision set of classes.

But overall, I am happy to just be able to take some classes and have the experience of learning. One thing I will say is that I appreciate it all a lot more now than I may have back then. Part of me is glad that I waited, but I wish I would not have waited so long.

In other news Melissa and I are leaving for Spearfish South Dakota next Wednesday night for 5 nights in the Black Hills. We are riding the Dakota 50 on Sunday September 5th. The Dakota 50 is a 50 mile mountain bike race/ride through Spearfish canyon and up into the hills. I am really looking forward to it. I love that area and have spent a lot of time out there so I think it will be good. Tough but good. Lots of giant hills to ride up, but at the same time when you go up a giant hill you have to be able to come down that giant hill and I am thinking that is going to be a lot of fun. Melissa and I are hoping to just have a lot of fun. We are hoping for great weather. We are riding our single speeds so it is going to be interesting…

Summer Life

Melissa and I just got back from our first summer vacation. We went out to Seattle for a few days to see the city and visit friends. It was great. Seattle is a pretty cool city, not my favorite but a nice place to visit. I was shocked how expensive it was there. Everything seemed really pricey, parking, food, drinks everything. Oh well. After a few days in Seattle we headed up to Whistler for a few days of hiking, and mountain biking. In my "life to do list" I had biking at Whistler on my list. I can now cross that off my list. Holy crap riding there was amazing. It was incredible in everyway, so much fun. I love the lift served riding, so easy and so fun. The trails were amazing and a lot of fun to ride. Whistler it's self was incredible, wow what a beautiful place. Surrounded by mountains, lots of snow left in the high country and I was happy the whole time. I can't wait to maybe head back there some day. I would love to ski there someday, but I really what to ride there again...

Life is good.

To Long

I am sorry I haven't updated in a long time. I have been really busy, I am just not sure what I have been up too. Well I guess that isn't completely true. I have been going to a lot of Twins games and I have been doing a lot of sailing with my buddy Steve. That has been a great time and a lot of fun. I am having a great summer. We are getting ready to head out on our summer vacation. I am really looking forward to it. We are headed out to Seattle for a week and also headed to Whistler for a few days to hike and mountain bike. I can't wait, biking at Whistler it is on my life to do list. I am finishing my summer class this week, and life is really good. I miss blogging so hopefully I will be better.